The Space Between Me and You

Dragging emotions around
My heart a hand grenade
Fragging my intellect full metal round
Detonates on the sleeve cradle now grave

Lucky shot cupid weapons hot
Take cover down down down
Get a bearing now now now
But cannot target the knave

Adrenaline spike came and went
Now bleeding out so much blood
Cannot stand left crawling no time left
Swarm of leeches hidden in mud

They dine on what was mine
Can’t they wait?
They feast on what I had least
Can’t they wait?
They devour me in the red-stained bower
They can’t wait
To gain my weight

So here’s the plan–
When the others
Begin to arrive
You’ll shut yourself in
If needed you’ll
Have your headphones
With you so use them
To dampen noise further
People may wish to come in
So let them
Only speak when spoken to
Minimize eye contact
Use concise responses
Do not engage them
Longer than necessary
Integrity of your sanctuary
Is paramount
For meetings
You’re there for task talk
Not for the small talk–
See rules of engagement above
Regarding sanctuary invaders
When you take breaks
Go alone
Don’t forget your phone and
Glasses in case you
Want to read something
If you must attend
Any social events
Arrive last at best or
Later at worst
Sit with people you recognize
Because the devil you know
Is better than the one you don’t
Finally most people
You meet may seem
Civil polite nice–
Yet you’re a tool to them
That keeps them
From being bored
That helps them
Pass the time and
Even get work done
Don’t expect more than that

Remember everything
I told you and you should
Be able to survive
Maybe

You said hurtful things
Words you had no right to tell me
We are strangers
There’s no basis for your feelings

Deep in the depths
Some part of me
Still thinks I am
Attractive
To someone
But who?
Is it someone who I also
Find attractive?
Someone who I can grow
To love?

First day there was a storm
The horses escaped
Before I could close the barn doors–

First week I wanted
To do a good job
Hours cleaning the stalls
But forgot to help
Pick the apples–

First month
I remembered
To pick the apples
But couldn’t help
Deliver them
Because I didn’t know how to
Drive a manual tranny–

After six months
I helped clean the water supply
But I found out later
We were taught wrong and had
Poisoned the well–
No one got hurt
But I can’t seem
To do anything right

There are days when I want to
Use my written resignation
Now carried in my pocket–
But no one else will hire me
And so it stays hidden for now

This week we’ll be trained on
The harder jobs at the farm–

Well everyone except me
I have more stalls to clean and
More apples to pick–

I reach into my pocket
Grab the resignation letter
But stop myself from using it

My mind is finally
Making peace
Failed outlandish daydreams
Poetic romantic schemes

My heart however–

Lost traveler found path back to the forest
Struggling metaphorist malnourished
Seeking refuge in this place
Hoping continued journey before it’s too late–

Things don’t seem to be working out
I’m not sure if I’m doing anything right
Too slow I’ve spent too much time toiling at one thing
Skulking within a barrow as if I’m a wight

I am useless in the company of peers
They plan schemes beyond my purview
Their talk thus regress to curse word-laden jeers
As they figure things out before progress made anew

Alas the trees forbid second chances
Once burned down nothing returns from ashes
Traveler returned to the homeland
Yet nothing ever goes as planned–

In the beginning I thought I could adapt
Toil at another’s cadence yet achieve greatness
But I can’t sync myself to the desired pace
My awkwardness causes much distress

Despite traveler wishes the intellect misses
At the altar where the sacrifice is offered
Incompetence and much desecration–

I struggle to find the craft here
For everyone else it’s business as usual
To the esoteric ways they adhere
Surviving this crucible no longer seems doable

The lambs have been misled
There is no slaughter today
Shepherds missing instead
Imposters parlay so that experts decay– 

Not sure anymore if I’m making a difference
Engaging just enough to meet the minimum
Centering myself barely contains the vociferance
No one must know I must keep mum

No one must know I’m going quietly
Giving my best I overthrow with anxiety
No one must know all this kept inside of me
How apropos metaphors must be denied to me
Muted words I thus faux no longer here–
Just a poetic apostrophe

Hey are you awake?
Everyone’s talking
But you haven’t said a thing
Say something?
Don’t let them think
You’re stupid
That you have
No opinions
Hear that?
Someone said a joke
Aren’t you going to laugh?
Never mind if it’s a bad joke
Laugh nice and loud–no?
Wait they’re talking about
The places they traveled to
You actually been to some of them
Just insert yourself into
The conversation and mention
You were there too–
Come on what are you waiting for?
Now someone is being sarcastic
Spitting out expletives
Everyone else is joining in
You know how to curse don’t you?
Lob some f-bombs about so-and-so
That’ll show them you belong here and
You’ll get some reputation points out of it–

Wow
You’re no fun

My current hypothesis
Just as verifiable as
String theory
Is that you’ll
Fall in love with me
Once you realize
How great a person I am
Full of witty intellect
Introverted charm
Inspiring yet
Subtle bravado
When compared to
The other shallow
Sport-obsessed brutes
Populating the
Mad max hellscape–
Soon you’ll be mine!

Momma wakes me up
Cooks my food
Washes my clothes
She takes me to school
She takes me home
Yells at me if I
Forget to shut the door
Before walking the dog
And for letting Fido
Chew on anything
As I take him for a walk
Momma plays games with me
She takes me on trips
Buys me books to read
Helps me read the hard parts
We watch TV together
Sing songs everywhere
She puts me to bed–
Sometimes I can’t sleep
Living room light still on
I sneak and see
Momma is awake
Alone on the couch
Playing a sad song
On the guitar